Some of these booboos have been caught by my first readers, and they cause me no end of giggles. The worst ones are those I catch two seconds after I hit the "save" button on a work memo - or worse, immediately after sending a mass email, company-wide.
And now, instead of blushing about my Freudian fingers, I've bundled all my best gaffes together and posted them just for you. And heck, if you feel so inclined, add a few of your own to the comments section below, so we can all share in the laughs.
Scott = Scoot
Fatima = Fatiam
Bobby = Booby
Trish = Trash
Pat = Apt, Oat
father = fatter, farther, farter
sisters = Sinisters
brothers = Bothers
babysitters = Babyspitters
my wife = my woof
wedding = weeding
girlfriend = girlfiend
girlfriend = girlfiend
"to put the food in her children's mouths" = "to put the foot in her children's mouths"
"you can borrow one of my husband's..." = "you can borrow one of my husbands"
"marrying his mousy little secretary" = "marrying his mousy little sister"
Wackiness at Work
troubleshooting = troubleshooing
Ops (Operations) Managers = Oops Managers
paystubs = paystupids
Canada Savings Bond = Canada Savings Bong
billing dispute = boiling dispute
eLearning course = eLearning curse
terminated in error = terminated in terror
engage security = enrage security
"I have them here in my desk" = "I shave them here in my desk"
"depending on which company you use" = depending on which company you sue"
insulated = insulted
Greek Mythology = Geek Mythology
Sling shots = sling shorts
Chapter Thirty = Chapter Thirsty
Dr. Baines (a mad genius) = Dr. Braines
kickboxing = kickboing
power bars = power bras
but = bust
kidnapped = hidnapped
longshoremen = longsoremen
butterflies = butler flips
my plants have exploded = my pants have exploded
sweet and sour = sweat and sour
mood lighting = mood lightning
draft horse = drat horse, daft horse
an English accent = an English accident
student, studio = stupid
sink = dink
captain = cat pain
"who asked" = "whoa skid"
"I accept nothing but cash" = "I accept nothing but ash"
"the great pilot wheel" = "the great pilot whee"
"You keep looking at my cane" = "you keep looking at my can"
"we must stop them before they reach the shore!" = "we must stop them before they reach the whore!"
"went to the far end of the huge lobby to hide behind some plants = "went to the far end of the hug lobby to hide behind some pants"
"he threw darts at the dartboard" = "he threw drats at the dratboard"
"man, I needed that sleep" = "man, I needed that slap"
"you'll catch your death of cold!" = "you'll catch your death of cod!"
Rabbi = rabbit
"I'm your guardian angel" = "I'm your guardian agent"
Angel = angle, anal (yikes!)
Stands, Standard = Satan
Saints = Stains, Satins
Blessed peace = blessed peas
The Holy Spirit = The Holy Spit
sat = stab
pirate ship = irate hips
exotic dancer = exotic danger
dual citizenship = duel citizenship
sacrifice = scarface
the immortal emperor = the immoral emperor
she kissed him = she kicked him
kissed his face = kicked his face
fraud squad = fraud squat
bullet = butt
"She thought treats were in order" = "she thought threats were in order"
"after picking the scum off his molars" = "after picking the scum off his morals"
"use this soothing balm" = "use this soothing blam!"
"hoarse whisper" = "horse whipper"
"she took off her hat" = "she took off her head"
beating his chest = eating his chest
space craft = space crap
crept = crapped
autocracy = autocrappy
amateur = amaturd
faces = feces
penning = peeing
nostrils = snotrils
orange juice = organ juice
disappears = diapers
"where he was going to meet..." = "where he was going to pee"
"this is not good" = "this is not goo"
"...mucking up the place with their muddy boots" = "mucking up the place with their muddy butts"
"sneering at her" = "sneezing at her"
Poor, popcorn, popular = poop, poopcorn, poopular
"after a moment the reporter popped on screen" = "after a moment the reporter pooped on screen"
"it's a brown, foul-smelling paste" = "it's a brown, foul-smelling pasta"
Heel, hello, held, cell = hell
tests = testes
pencil = never you mind
good luck = um...
shirt, spit, shuttle, sunshine, white, night shift, shift bid, shift change, shifting in his chair = oh guess.
I've shown you mine! Now go on, share yours. I totally dare you. Do keep it clean, though - we've all got pretty good imaginations, and we can fill in the blanks where necessary.